Writing - the recruitment scene in The Magnificent Mendozas

Here’s the promised excerpt from The Magnificent Mendozas. I'm not giving anything away - almost everything here can be gleaned from the book blurb. Descriptions of all the characters were given earlier in the book.

This is the important recruitment scene.

I hope you like it – and itch to find out what happened before and also find out how the story pans out. Notes of interest can be found at the end of the excerpt.

Diego is the circus owner; for the rest, I’ll repeat part of the blurb here, which might help: The gringo town of Conejos Blancos has just hosted the Mexican circus; no sooner do they move on to their next venue when Hart and over thirty desperadoes take over the town – and the adjacent silver mine! The sheriff is slaughtered and many of the citizens are held hostage.

            In desperation, two boys escape from the locked-down town.

            They recruit seven Mexican circus performers, the Magnificent Mendozas: the troupe comprises Mateo, the leader, and his wife Josefa, both expert knife-throwers; José, younger brother of Mateo, a trick rider who lusts after Josefa; Antonio Rivera, sharpshooter; Juan Suaréz, gymnast and trapeze artist with his companion Arcadia Mendoza, who is also expert with bow and arrow; and Ramon Mendoza, escapologist.

***

Josefa smiled down at the two boys where they sat on the edge of a narrow bed of furs in the capacious wagon, sipping mugs of coffee. Standing at the entrance flap, Mateo studied them also, stroking his pointed beard. Diego sat opposite them on another bed.

She laid a hand on the shoulder of the freckled lad. ‘Didn’t I see you in Conejos Blancos?’

Lowering his coffee mug, the boy said, ‘Yes, Ma’am. Name’s Emmett – Emmett Rosco– ’

‘The sheriff’s son,’ she said. ‘Yes, now I remember.’

‘I’m Gene, his best friend.’

Josefa studied them both, surprised at their appearance.

Diego growled, ‘Don’t you know you could be in deep trouble, sneaking in without paying?’

Looking glum, the pair nodded.

‘Leave them be, Diego, they’re doing no harm,’ Josefa said. ‘The show’s over.’

‘That may be so, but I’ve a good mind to send these two back to the sheriff. His father will know how to chastise him.’

Emmett’s lips quivered. Something was wrong; Josefa felt it in her bones.

Gene stood and moved protectively in front of Emmett, his face screwed-up. ‘Leave him be! His pa’s dead – murdered on Sunday!’

‘Oh, Madre de Dios.’ Her heart somersaulted and she knelt in front of Emmett. She grasped his shoulders gently. ‘Is this so?’
 
Tears rimmed his eyes as he nodded. ‘Yes… We escaped to get help – your help,’ he croaked.

‘Escaped?’ Diego echoed.

‘The town’s been taken over by a bunch of desperadoes,’ Emmett said in a quavering voice.

‘And they’re going to rob the mine!’ Gene added. ‘We’ve been walking all night!’

Josefa eyed Mateo. ‘That explains the state they’re in.’ She gestured at their muddy clothes, dirty faces, and tired eyes.
 
Emmett shrugged off her concern. ‘It doesn’t matter about us, Ma’am. They’ve taken everybody’s guns…’ Then, haltingly, he explained how the town was so swiftly taken over, mentioning the wounding of the doctor’s wife and the murder of the town drunk, Mr Watzman. Between them they enumerated the number of sentries and guards they’d spotted – sixteen plus five leaders. ‘We need your help, Ma’am.’ He delved into his pants pockets and brought out a weighty handkerchief bundle, opened it and displayed many coins. He held them out to her. ‘We can pay.’

‘Yes,’ said Gene. He looked at Emmett, seemingly at a loss to say more.

Emmett said, as though his words were rehearsed, ‘You’re all heroes. We’ve seen how good you are with so many weapons. And I – we – reckon you could whup the bad guys real good.’

 
Gene nodded vigorously. ‘Yeah, you’re handy with knives, guns and bow and arrows – sure, you could…’
 
Diego held up a hand. ‘Wait, that’s enough!’ He sighed, adjusted his tight-fitting vest. ‘I sympathise with your town’s plight.’ He pursed his lips. ‘And I’m sorry about the sheriff – I mean, your father… But I have a business to run.’ He was about to say more, it seemed, but stopped and stared at Josefa as she spoke.
 
‘Mateo, get the family together,’ she said.
 
Diego shook his head, his jowls wobbling. ‘No, Josefa, you can’t be serious about this.’
 
She offered him one of her smiles. ‘We’re just going to discuss it.’
 
A few minutes later, the rest of the Mendoza troupe crowded into the wagon.
 
Ramon said, ‘Mateo’s told us everything.’
 
Antonio eyed Emmett. ‘Is Naomi – I mean, Miss Gray – is she all right, son?’
 
Emmett evaded his piercing deep brown eyes. ‘I don’t know for sure, Mr Rivera, but I think so. She’s being held prisoner in the mine office with her pa.’
 
Josefa had never seen Antonio look so tense, so angry. He’d never seemed to care a fig for any woman before; he simply used them. But something now in his manner was different. Maybe he was a changed man.
 
‘I must go,’ Antonio said, casting his gaze on the others. The look was plain enough. Come with me.

Diego grunted in disgust. ‘How can you agree to help those gringos?’ he demanded.

 
José nodded. ‘We owe that town nothing!’
 
‘They beat up Ignacio,’ Juan argued.
 
Arcadia clung to Juan’s arm. ‘And our takings weren’t so hot, either.’
 
‘It wasn’t the whole town who attacked Ignacio,’ Josefa said, ‘just a couple of drunk miners.’
 
‘Josefa has a point,’ Ramon said, his tone reasonable. ‘We shouldn’t brand all gringos the same.’

‘Why not?’ snapped José. ‘They do exactly that to us!’

 
Arms akimbo, Juan said, ‘José is right. Why put ourselves in danger for gringos?’
 
‘Precisely!’ Diego shouted.
 
‘Then I will go alone!’ snapped Antonio.
 
‘No, you won’t,’ Josefa said. ‘I’ll go with you.’ She glanced at José and gleaned pleasure from his disapproval, his face twisting.
 
‘Where my wife goes, so must I,’ said Mateo, resting an arm on her shoulders.
 
‘This is ridiculous!’ José barked, glaring at Josefa.
 
‘You forget,’ Diego said, ‘you’re going up against desperate men – killers. You heard the boy, they’ve murdered two people, shot a woman… When was the last time any of you fired a weapon in anger or killed anyone?’
 
Ramon cleared his throat, pushed out his chest. ‘We’ve done our fair share of fighting, Diego – before we joined your circus. None of us might like it, but we’ve spilled blood in our defence and that of our loved ones...’
 
‘This is different!’ Diego snapped.
 
Mateo shrugged and stroked his moustache, studying Juan, Arcadia and José. ‘I recall my cousin telling me about seven gringos who helped his pueblo against many bandidos.’
 
Juan laughed. ‘That was just a story.’
 
‘No, it was true.’ Mateo pulled a gleaming knife from the sash round his waist. ‘Pepe showed me his bullet wound scars,’ He gently touched the blade point to his left arm, the bicep and the forearm. ‘Here and here.’ He jabbed his chest, below the heart. ‘And here… He was lucky to survive. Not all of the gringos survived.’
 
‘Precisely,’ Diego said again. ‘You would risk your life and the lives of your family – your entire troupe – for strangers?’
 
‘The two little gringos have offered us much.’
 
Diego guffawed. ‘Twenty dollars?’
 
‘Twenty two and forty cents!’ Gene corrected.
 
Smiling, Mateo returned the knife to his sash. ‘No, Diego, I do not speak of the money they have offered. It’s called faith. These boys have faith in us, my friend.’ He scanned the rest of them and one by one they nodded agreement. ‘Just so.’ Mateo smiled. ‘You go on, Diego. We will catch you up in Colorado Springs.’
 
‘This is utter foolishness.’ Diego shook his head and made his way to the exit flap. ‘You’re all crazy, but I will pray for you.’
 
Josefa smiled at the circus owner. He clearly wanted to be angry, but he couldn’t bring himself to be, and she understood this as she looked at the trusting faces of the two boys, Emmett and Gene. They melted all their hearts, she felt sure.
 
‘But I don’t know what I will do to replace the Magnificent Mendozas!’ Then Diego flung the flap aside and left.
 
Emmett stood up. ‘Ma’am, I thought all of the circus people would come back to help.’ 

Mateo chuckled. ‘Sorry, young man, but your rate of pay is not very enticing. You get seven of us – the Magnificent Mendozas. That should be enough.’

 
Eyes and mouth wide, Gene stared, then said, ‘Seven against twenty-one?’
 
Mateo nodded. ‘Three-to-one – not bad odds, I think. Your Texas Rangers would be comfortable with these odds, no? Besides, we will have the element of surprise.’
 

***

Notes of interest, perhaps.

1. In fact the odds are somewhat greater than three-to-one, but they don’t know that at this stage.

2. I’ve tried not to be too blatant with the allusion to the seven gringos who saved a Mexican village.

3. I’ve attempted to inject humour, pathos and the kindness of strangers.

4. Already implied in the book, José covets his brother’s wife, Josefa, hence the interchange here.

 

5. Antonio had developed an attachment to Naomi Gray, the mine owner's daughter, hence his concern here.

6. If this were a film, each speech would be short, perhaps no more than two or three lines; in fact, even in a book, the length of a speech should be broken up, to reflect real life. So that's what I've attempted here. The only potentially long speech is Emmett’s, but that is broken up by reported speech, briefly relating the events that the reader is already privy to.

7. Ideally, each character present should contribute to the dialogue or why is he or she there? The downside of that is that giving each character something to say or contribute means that there’s the strong risk of overdoing the use of ‘said’. In this scene I’ve tried to reduce the frequency by using actions tied to speech.

8. Bravery is down-played; no histrionics (well, just a little – ‘not bad odds’).

***

The Magnificent Mendozas is available now in hardback only.

 

 

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Writing tip – How to annoy an editor

 

Here are a few home truths that might annoy an editor or publisher and steer a submission towards rejection, despite the content.

Contrary to what many rejected novice writers believe, editors and publishers are human. They have emotions and that’s why they can get annoyed with writers who blatantly ignore or break the basic rules. Yes, there are rules – usually stipulated in the publisher’s website submission guidelines. There are other rules about layout that should be obvious, too, but seemingly are ignored.

If a prospective author is cavalier about their submission, then they’re unlikely to find their work being accepted.

Perhaps prospective authors don’t realise that writing is competitive. Stating the obvious, editors and publishers generally settle on those individuals who deliver on time what is required. Editors are busy people and can devote only so much time to an unsolicited piece. They want it to succeed; they want to find a new voice. They don’t want to reject. So if you don’t want to fail at the first hurdle, bear in mind a few of the factors that might tip your work in the wrong direction – the rejection pile.

Indeed, it could be argued that rules were meant to be broken and walls were meant to be climbed over. Fine: when you know the rules of the game, then you can break them, though only for specific reasons.

Perhaps some writers will say, “Why follow rules and basic layout? I want to show I’m an individual!” Number 6 from The Prisoner would be proud. Still, the fact is that standards are set because they have been established over time and they tend to work by making the process easier to run.  

Basic layout isn’t rocket science. Prospective authors only need to pick up any book from the shelves and the layout is there to see – with two exceptions, double spacing (and right-justification for book MSS).

It shouldn’t need saying, but I’ll emphasise that writers need to do their market research. If the publisher you’re aiming at uses double-quote marks for speech, you should in your MS; if the publisher is not consistent with his output, then don’t worry. Yes, as a general rule, UK publishers prefer single and US publishers opt for double; but there are exceptions; check.

Editors hate it when indents are lacking in a submission when a little market research would show they’re the norm. Unless the publisher or periodical doesn’t use paragraph indents, your work should be indented. Yes, online publishing tends to favour no indents and a space between paragraphs (as in this blog) – that’s for ease of reading on-screen – it is not appropriate for a book MS or any article submission, unless stipulated.

I’ve encountered a few specific bugbears over the years; and the odd instance is not liable to justify a rejection, but if repeated too often, then it’s probably destined for the bin.

 
‘Baker stormed out the room. When he had left, Atkins sank back in his chair.’

What the writer meant was, when Baker had left, but the sentence implies that Atkins had left. This is a common error, committed even by established writers. When re-reading for the final self-edit, check the sense of your sentences.
 
‘Go away!’ he hissed. This is a pet hate because to hiss is to make a sibilant sound, like that of a snake, which means there have to be some esses in the spoken words. Again, careless published authors commit this error.
 
Lengthy speech is very annoying. Few people in real life talk non-stop for what amounts to half a page or more. This is lazy writing, dumping information without thought. Fine, some established writers might get away with it, but it is to be abhorred. If characters are speaking, natural conversation involves interruptions, gestures, asides – all breaking up the otherwise lengthy speech. Try to remember that any paragraph of unbroken dialogue over three lines in length is suspect.

Information downloading (infodumping) should be avoided. A long paragraph, often in speech, outlining some technical aspect of the story, seems like a good way to get the information across. But it kills the story because it’s dry and obvious – and it’s lazy writing. Drip-feed the information subtly, instead.

Character references in speech.

 

‘Yes, Dillon, I know it’s difficult.’

‘I agree, Matthew, but what can we do?’

‘Well, Dillon, let’s go away!’

This constant character referencing in speech is annoying and tedious. Usually it should be obvious who is speaking by the context, the manner of the speech or perhaps a preceding attributed gesture, for example,

Matthew smiled. ‘Yes, I know it’s difficult.’

The same goes for using a narrative tag after each speech – again, it should be obvious most of the time who is speaking.

Over-use of a character-name. When involved in the narrative from the POV of a character, it is not necessary to constantly insert the character’s name. ‘He’ is sufficient, if anything is needed at all. This over-use constantly pulls the reader out of the character’s viewpoint and shouts ‘author intrusion, author intrusion…’.

Dull writing ends up being rejected. What is dull? Bland narrative. Use active rather than inactive descriptions. ‘The man was tall’ is inactive. ‘The man strode purposefully, his tall frame quite intimidating’ is active.

We humans are emotional folk, so it stands to reason that our fictional characters have emotions too. Denying them any emotional response makes them wooden and destined for the rejection bin.

‘The man moved across the room and opened the filing cabinet.’ This is emotionless and tells the reader very little; we’re watching a movie, but are not involved. Wherever possible, include emotion in your description.  ‘The man hesitantly crossed the room, his gait a little unsteady as he approached the filing cabinet. Warily, he opened the drawer…’ Not a great improvement, but the man now has some feeling.

 
A flat storyline with little in the way of conflict is going to end up being rejected. Without conflict, there is no plot and no pressure for the main character, and essentially no story.
 
Exposition for the reader’s benefit is not only unwelcome, it turns off most editors. No two characters should ever mention in dialogue anything that both of them know already.

Pointless dialogue is tedious and slows the pace. Dialogue is used to develop character, heighten the suspense or dramatic tension of a scene – conflict again.

 
Using the wrong words can be forgiven, perhaps, but I’d advocate that writers should try to avoid the usual pitfalls. One bestselling writer uses ‘adverse’ when he means ‘averse,’ for example. I could cite several.
 
Word repetition (what can be termed word echo) shows up lazy or inadequate self-editing and may be excused unless it becomes frequent and thus annoying, in which case it may point to the rejection bin.

Rejection isn’t the end, of course. Every rejection is subjective. Still, if they start to mount up, sometimes the text bears reassessment. Perseverance, with critical self-editing, is the watchword. Remember some of the greats have been rejected. In response to a submission by Rudyard Kipling, the publisher’s rejection stated: ‘I’m sorry, Mr Kipling, but you just don’t know how to use the English language.’

A good many of these points, plus others, are touched upon in my genre fiction writing guide, Write a Western in 30 Days.

 

Purchase from Amazon.co.uk here - currently (as of today) #96 out of top 100 on this site

Editing tips - LET’S TALK

‘Speech helps to define your story’s characters… The fact is that dialogue reveals character; it moves the story forward much faster than narrative, and can impart information more economically than several paragraphs of exposition. Direct speech dramatizes events, while indirect speech merely reports them. The spoken word engages the reader.’*

A great deal is made of the use of ‘he said’/’she said’ and the many alternatives. Truth is, there are times when none of them are necessary. Authors love their characters’ names and tend to over-use them at the drop of a speech. But that can become tedious for the reader.

When there are only two characters in the scene, rein in character names; and judge whether ‘he said’/’she said’ is required at all. The tone, context and choice of words should indicate who is speaking, particularly if there's verbal fencing going on.

Here’s an example from an early chapter in Blood of the Dragon Trees – and ‘said’ is only used once.

 

Story so far: Laura finds a broken ivory figurine on the floor and knows there’s an intruder. It's her POV; she guesses who it is, too.

Perhaps she should have felt threatened as Andrew Kirby stepped out from the bathroom. He was, after all, a virtual stranger. But she was remarkably calm.         

He was dressed in a pale green shirt and chinos. Laura pointed to his desert boots. ‘A few grains of soil gave you away, Mr Kirby.’

He shrugged. ‘Ironic, really. I’m into earth preservation and here it goes, giving me away!’

‘It’s no joking matter, you know.’ She was serious, despite his smile. ‘Breaking and entering – it’s a serious offence in Spain, too.’

          
He nodded sombrely. ‘Indeed it is. If the culprit is handed over to the authorities, of course.’
         
‘Have you any explanation for being here?’
     
‘Selling encyclopaedias, but couldn’t find the door?’
          
Laura shook her head.
        
‘Chasing my pet cat–’
         
‘No.’ She wondered if that stray was his, then shook her head.
          
‘Hopelessly in love with you?’
           
She felt the colour rise in her cheeks. ‘No, I don’t think so.’ She leaned back against the desk, fingering a broken fragment of ivory. ‘This piece would have been valuable to sell, I’m sure – if you hadn’t dropped it.’
           
His mouth gaped open. ‘A thief? You think I’m a common thief!’
           
‘Are there any other kind of thieves? Is a common thief somehow worse than a gentleman thief?’ She shook her head. ‘I would never have believed I’d be discussing semantics with a burglar!’
           
‘Now I’m a burglar!’
           
‘If the cap fits–’
           
He walked towards her.
           
She edged away.
           
He lifted his arms wide, palms open. ‘My intentions are honourable, Miss Reid.’
           
‘What? Towards me or–’ she said, holding out the ivory piece, ‘– towards poor Felipe’s broken fisherman?’
           
There was a strange intensity in his eyes, something she had not noticed before. For a moment she feared his presence, his musky nearness. But only for a moment.
           
He reached out to the ivory in her hand and she anticipated his touch.

- Blood of the Dragon Trees (p43)

 

* – Write a western in 30 days.