Old Before My Time

Hayley is fourteen, but she has the body of someone aged about 100. She's one incredibly brave teenager. Not one in a million, but one in eight million - that's how rare her diease Hutchinson-Gilford Progeria is. I've known about her through the press for several years. Now she has a book out from one of my UK publishers, Accent Press, entitled Old Before My Time. The doctors predicted she'd be dead by age thirteen. She's currently being given special treatment by doctors in Boston and 'feels fine'. She was on TV the other day and it was humbling to see someone who has been issued an early death warrant by fate smiling and being so positive. Despite the pain her old bones give her...

http://hayleyokines.com/

You're an inspiration, Hayley.

FFB – The Outsider, Frank Roderus

Ex-buffalo soldier Leon Brown has saved money for fifteen years and now has a spread of his own. He’s about to see it for the first time, land and ranch just 15 miles outside Kazumal, Arizona. But he’s in for a shock. Some of the promises made in the realtor’s sales pitch are full of air, it seems. Still, Leon’s just pleased to have a place he can call his own. Without a horse, without his bride-to-be, he’s all alone. But he’ll make good. If only he can combat the prejudice, the beatings, and the rustlers, and the thieves, and the Apaches…

Published in 1988, this is my reprint copy of 1995. It’s a moral and simple well told tale about a man’s self-belief. Leon won’t give up, he won’t rile easily, and he will do the right thing, no matter what the cost. The characters are believable, both good and bad, and sing of the human condition.

I came away from this book feeling that I knew Leon – and to a lesser yet as important degree, the half-Apache, half-Mexican Manuela, the popish priest Felipe and the neighbourly Jud Ramsey. I can believe that the west was built by people like these, one day at a time. It’s moving and amusing and just plain satisfying.

A 50-Year Wait-02

In those far off days, I was drawing instead of studying for my GCEs...

This illustration is based on a scene from A Princess of Mars - John Carter's rescue of a Zodangan royalist. Drawn July 30, 1963. The original is 22"x10.5".

Even then I must have hankered after a split personality - ie using several pennames - as I signed it RWN-Morton and Ross Morton!

A 50-Year Wait-01

Way back in 1962, I happened upon Edgar Rice Burroughs’ novel Warlord of Mars. I’d already devoured several Tarzan novels, published by Four-Square at 2/6d. I read this, the third in the original Martian trilogy and was hooked. Then I bought the first in the series, A Princess of Mars and like many boys of my age, fell in love with Dejah Thoris. I still have this book in my collection:

At the time I used to draw bookmarks for my favourite books. Here’s the bookmark for A Princess of Mars, drawn in 1962.

The story of John Carter’s first visit to Mars was serialised in the February to July 1912 issues of All-Story Magazine, then entitled Under the Moons of Mars, as written by Norman Bean. Bean was the early penname of Burroughs, though he’d used Normal, rather than Norman, but it got screwed somehow. The full novel was first published in book form in 1917, after Burroughs’ phenomenal success with Tarzan.

Burroughs’ Martian adventures – all eleven of them – inspired the scientists Carl Sagan and Arthur C Clarke and novelists Ray Bradbury, Robert A Heinlein among many others.

At last, in 2012, an epic film entitled John Carter is being released – 100 years after the publication of the original story, and 100 years after the publication of Tarzan of the Apes. Indeed, 2012 could be Burroughs’ year, and deservedly so. Burroughs was born in 1875 and died in 1950. A crater on Mars is named in his honour.

John Carter trailer
http://www.disney.co.uk/john-carter/?ex_cmp=sem_g_uk:movies:jcm:01211:1211#video

John Carter fan site
http://jcofmars.com/

Official ERB John Carter site
http://www.johncarterofmars.ca/

OLD GUNS - cover artwork

Old Guns can be pre-ordered now from Robert Hale or Amazon or postfree anywhere in the world from thebookdepository. You can also get a glimpse of how the cover was designed by Tony Masero. Check out his website
http://www.artnillustration.com/featurepage1.html

July, 1892.

Sam Ransom, 62, learns of the death of Abner, his old partner. Abner left a warning note – the Meak twins were out to get Ransom and the rest ‘because of what happened at Bur Oak Springs’. Ransom sets out to alert his old friends, Jubal, Rory and Derby.
Bur Oak Springs happened over two decades ago. The place was a ghost town even then. Ransom’s family is put in jeopardy and they can only be saved by Ransom and his friends returning to the ghost town, to confront the Meak brothers and their gang. There’s a sense of déjà vu about this; yet, there are fresh revelations too. It’s a showdown: young guns against old guns.

Editing tips - Before you go

Many writers – beginners and published – overuse the word ‘before’.

Storytelling or narrative should flow with ease and contain its own internal logic. People act and react. Conflict begs for a response, depending on the characters involved. The sequence of actions should be logical, too.

An example:
He closed the window before he left.
That’s okay, I suppose. Though why it couldn’t have been written as:
He closed the window and then left.

Another example:
Before he opened the drawer, he smiled.
That’s illogical in the chronological sense. Often we don’t see the character then opening the drawer – it’s just open. Better to write:
He smiled and then opened the drawer.
Logical sequence restored. Otherwise, we’re being told about an action out of sequence. The revised version shows us the actions in the logical order.

Another:
The large woman picked up a rag before reaching for the kettle. “Take the children back to their ward,” she said. “They still may have time to have their evening meal before they go to bed. See to it they have their uniforms returned and store their clothing.”
“Yes, sir.” She curtsied before reaching toward the children.

Maybe: The large woman picked up a rag, which she used on the handle to lift the kettle...
‘Before they go to bed’ is fine.
She curtsied and then reached toward the children.

So, before you dive in and use that word, think before you type!

Editing tips - Every which way

Ups and downs of writing action can’t be overstated. Sometimes, the writer overwrites and overuses words without realizing it.

Here’s an example from an early draft ms I received.
Taking his chances, Rick slipped upwards around a steep pathway of rugged rocks. It was a close call as shot after shot split the air near to his body. The pressure only relieving when he heard the heavy sound of John’s Sharps taking up the action from below. Shots echoed up the hillside as John, recovered now, picked his favoured spots and blasted the crest of the hilltop where he guessed the sharpshooter hid. He left the way clear for Rick to rise and clamber up over the edge of the hilltop.

Exciting, but it needed a little work.
Taking his chances, Rick slipped around a steep pathway of rugged rocks. Shot after shot split the air close by. The pressure only lessened when he heard the heavy sound of John’s Sharps taking up the action. Shots echoed as John, obviously recovered now, picked his favoured spots and blasted the crest of the hilltop. That left the way clear for Rick to rise and clamber up over the crest of the hill.

So what did I change?
I removed: upwards, It was a close call, near to his body, relieving, up the hillside, where he guessed the sharpshooter hid. The latter removed because it’s making an assumption about what John was thinking and slows down the action. There may be countless ways the passage could be rewritten to improve it further, but the editor isn’t in the business of rewriting, just improving the narrative flow and identifying errors of spelling, word usage and internal story logic.

Here’s another excerpt:
Rick staggered. He heard the loud screech of complaining timber over the sounds from below and he felt the gantry shift as aged support ropes beneath him snapped. The barrow that held him began to slide dangerously as the platform tilted. He struggled to clamber over the sides, but the steep angle of descent made it difficult. It appeared that Rick was heading for a messy death among the remains of the mining sheds far below.

Again, a good action set piece.
Rick staggered. He heard the loud screech of complaining timber over the sounds of the gunfight and he felt the gantry shift as aged support ropes snapped. The barrow that held him began to slide dangerously as the platform tilted. He struggled to clamber over the sides, but the steep angle of descent made it difficult. He was heading for a messy death among the remains of the mining sheds far below.

Here we had over, below, beneath, tilted, over, steep, descent, below… Too many directions. By simply getting rid of a couple, it’s a little less haywire, I felt. Note I also removed ‘It appeared that’ which tends to jump out of Rick’s POV.

Editing tips - With one mighty leap

Usually, our fictional characters don’t possess super powers. They can’t see through walls, for example.

In this example from one ms, we’re in the POV of the main male character, Jack.

He said, ‘We’d better be going.’
Jane excused herself so she could get dressed. Back in her room she flung open every drawer in the dresser, wondering what brought Jack to their unit. Tops went flying until the floor disappeared under the mass. She reappeared, looking a picture of wide-eyed innocence, in a simple jogging suit.

So not only do Jack's eyes follow Jane through the walls, he gets into her head too. An abrupt and totally unnecessary POV shift. I’ve seen this time and again – and it’s probably the movies that are to blame. The viewer shifts wherever the director decides to go, and rarely settles on a main character viewpoint. Visualise, yes – but make it sensible and realistic.
The offending words were excised at the editing stage, thus:

He said, ‘We’d better be going.’
‘I won’t be long, I’ll just get dressed,’ Jane said and rushed into her bedroom. Minutes later, she reappeared, looking a picture of wide-eyed innocence, in a simple jogging suit.

I replaced the ‘tell’ with Jane’s actual speech. Also, Jack – and the reader – can see her moving to her bedroom now.

Editing tips - Phony

The telephone conversation is another potential pitfall for the unaware writer. It can come across as phony – pun intended, but you probably guessed that.

Here’s an example. Several contemporary mss I receive might replicate this.

Brent listened, unimpressed as Joe tried to bullshit him again with computer jargon. ‘I don’t give a shit about any of that! I want it taken off the net…’ he demanded.

‘What do you mean it’s not that easy?’ Brent incredulously asked. He sighed and Joe started again.

And so on…

This scene is from Brent’s POV. So why doesn’t Brent – and the reader – hear Joe speaking on the other end of the phone?

Writers watch TV and movies and see only one side of a phone conversation (unless the director uses a split screen technique) so they jump in and do the same. The difference is, the story on the screen isn’t from the character’s POV. The viewer isn’t in the character’s head. On the page, the reader’s in the character’s head until such time as the POV changes.

If Joe had a few lines of speech, it would be a little more credible. Brent could have encapsulated the rest in his narrative head. Such as, ‘Hey, Brent, it isn’t that easy,’ Joe whined. Then Brent makes his outburst. Getting Brent to repeat the words the reader doesn’t hear is for the stage, not the book. Instead, Joe should have said those words.

Just a hang up of mine, I guess.

Editing tips - Clause for confusion

I’ve come across this kind of mistake a few times in submitted mss and even in published books.

Again, an appropriate example from Broken Silence:

‘Gibbs had once been a heavy-weight boxer; successful in his time… Since retiring from the ring, Madley had decided to keep him as a pet; a fierce, snarling, slathering Rottweiler at that, all bite and no bark.’

Good phrase to end with. It’s a pity that the sense is confusing, though, as the two clauses actually relate to different people. What the second sentence suggests is that Madley retired from the ring, which isn’t the case at all. It should have read, ‘Since Gibbs retired from the ring, Madley had decided to keep him as a pet…’

So, make sure the words you use mean what you intend them to mean.

Editing tips - Just a word

There are a select number of words that just force themselves on the writer. I’ll get round to them, eventually. Just for now, though, let’s look at that particular word, ‘just’. (Word repetition intentional…!)

The word insinuates itself into paragraphs. It needs excising unless it’s really doing its job.

Take, for example, a paragraph in Lonesome Dove (again, I’ve recently read it so it’s readily available with an example; many other books, mine included, probably have similar paragraphs that still need further editing).

… For a moment his spirits rose, just from the sound of Gus’s voice. It was Call and Gus, his old companeros. It was just a matter of making them realize what an accident it had been, him riding with the Suggs. It was just that they had happened by the saloon just as he was deciding to leave. If he could just get his head clear of the whiskey he could soon explain it all.

Just too many repetitions (5), I feel. Such repetitions are referred to as word echoes – they’re hovering around in the writer’s head at the time and spill out at the slightest provocation. Self-editing should cut them down – or remove them altogether.

Anon, I'll supply a few other echo words that crop up too frequently.

Editing tips - Shifting POV

We’re all told to maintain a consistent character Point of View (POV) within a scene. There's a good reason for this and, for genre fiction, the advice makes sense. The reader is involved with a particular character in his or her head. Jumping from one character’s thoughts into another’s breaks that tenuous link and reduces the reader involvement.

When first writing a scene, it’s possible that you’re not sure whose POV to use. Once it’s down on the page, then decide – usually the person who is affected the most emotionally. If you’re sticking with a single character POV throughout the novel, then there should not be an issue – but make sure no other character’s thoughts creep in!

Here’s a brief excerpt from Broken Silence, a first novel by Danielle Ramsay.

‘In fact he needed to make a call. One he didn’t want Conrad overhearing. He walked over …’
(This paragraph in his POV goes on for nine lines, then it’s followed by a new paragraph.)

‘Conrad studied Brady’s figure from the safety of his car and wondered what was going through his head… He watched as Brady took out his mobile phone, curious about who he was calling.’

Then the narrative switches back to Brady’s POV.

This is lazy writing and editing and unnecessary. All that needed to happen was something like this: ‘Brady glanced over his shoulder. Conrad was watching him. Doubtless wondering who he was calling. He swore under his breath. None of his business!’

Moral: double-check your POV stance.

If that switch is really important – divulging another character’s secrets or inner turmoil, think about making a ‘scene break’. Or convey the other character’s thoughts in dialogue and body and facial responses. Or consider using the character’s thoughts elsewhere, when it’s that character’s longer consistent POV. Usually, though, you can delete these POV switches without much loss to the narrative – and thus maintain a consistent link with the reader.