Writing tips - Dialogue speaks volumes

Dialogue must move the story forward and reads faster than narrative. As Anthony Trollope said, ‘The dialogue must tend in some way to the telling of the story.’ Which means, dialogue is there:

• To carry on the plot
• To foreshadow coming conflict
• To reveal character
• To indicate the setting

Never get characters to speak so that it’s obvious that they’re spoon-feeding the reader with information (the dreaded infodump springs to mind).

Move the story and build up the character with dialogue.

Remember, dialogue is there for a purpose – it isn’t just filler – so avoid the ‘one lump or two, vicar’ kind that tells us nothing.

The way your characters speak should appear natural – without the real ums and ers. Real speech is not good dialogue. Good dialogue gives the semblance of real speech.

Stilted over-formal expressions are usually fatal to dialogue. Naturally, it’s possible to have a character who speaks in a particular stilted fashion – that’s his characterisation.

The majority of people speak using contractions – I’ll, I’m and we’ve, for example: I am, I will and we have are stilted and again slow down the speech.

Try to make each speech pattern appropriate to the character. One person might use lengthy sentences with long words, while another will speak in a terse fashion.

Dialogue is always useful where there might be a tendency to POV-switch. Instead of jumping into another character’s head and thoughts, get that character to voice his thoughts.

Avoid vernacular. Yes, in short bursts it might be humorous or even character defining, but it can soon wear thin over a novel’s length. Don’t overdo the truncatin’ of words, either. Modern readers don’t like to struggle with the meaning of what a character is saying – dialogue should flow and be clear. Besides, vernacular and unusual phrasing slows down the story. Mary Webb’s Gone to Earth (1917) is a deserved classic, but it wouldn’t be a runaway bestseller now – its vernacular makes it heavy going to the modern eye and ear.

There’s a tendency for beginner writers to have their characters constantly using each other’s name in a conversation:
          ‘I know, Josh, it’s awful.’

‘Yes, indeed, Mary, I don’t know what to say.’

‘But Josh, we must do something!’

‘I guess so, maybe we could stop referring to each other by name, since we know that already – and besides, there’s nobody else in the room?’

‘What a good idea, Josh!’

So, if it’s obvious that it’s only Josh and Mary speaking, dispense with the verbal reference – or indicate by gestures linked to the character’s words, e.g.:

Josh ran a hand over his face. ‘I’m really worried.’

Mary’s eyes searched his face. ‘What about?’

Try to convey the period, the person’s profession and background, and the character with the use of appropriate vocabulary.

Dialogue can also suggest mood or emotion in a scene. A shared painful past is hinted at in the pages of The $300 Man, for example where Corbin meets Jean (pp18-22). It’s a rather lengthy sample, but I think it illustrates many of the points already discussed. Here, I’ve tried to underplay the anguish and create a mood through dialogue, gesture and observation. Yes, dialogue isn’t always in speech – but in body language.

He rapped on the door with his hook.

         ‘Who is it?’ Jeannie’s voice was throaty and tremulous; perhaps a little rougher round the edges than he remembered.

         ‘It’s the man who saved you from Turner’s knife.’

         ‘Yes, of course, Mrs Begley said you’d be back.’

         The key in the lock turned.

         He thought it odd that she should lock the door now though not while she was being intimate with her customers.

         He heard her move away from the door and some wooden furniture creaked. ‘Come in,’ she said.

         Opening the door, he tried to smother the memory from an hour earlier, when Jeannie had been threatened and bleeding. He entered the room, taking off his hat, and closed the door after him.

         She sat in a rocking chair. Looking at him from hollowed eye-sockets, she seemed malnourished. The jutting cones of her breasts were more pronounced than he recalled, pressing against some white gauzy material while her legs were covered by a white frilly petticoat. Her feet were bare. She hadn’t managed to clean away all the blood, he noticed; there were traces on the bridge of her left foot.

         ‘Thank you for stopping Mr Turner, sir,’ she said, and offered a lop-sided smile.

         Her smile hadn’t been that way before, he realised. Something had altered her face – her nose still turned up at the tip, but it had been broken and was now slightly askew. The freckles were barely noticeable under the powder. Her thin lips usually offered the promise of a winsome smile but now they were dark red and unnatural. At one time her hazel eyes sent his heart soaring when she looked at him, but now she was hardly focussing on him or her world. Her mind was in some dark and distant place. Life once brimmed from her, now it was little more than a flickering candle in a gale.

         ‘Have your cuts been doctored?’

         She blinked, returning from her reverie, and nodded. ‘Mrs Begley brought in Doc Bassett. He sewed up two cuts and the rest weren’t too deep. The iodine stings, but he says I’ll be OK.’

         ‘Just keep the wounds clean,’ he said. He refrained from commenting on how many young lives he’d witnessed being snuffed out on account of dirty wounds.

         ‘Thank you for caring, Mister.’ Her smile was thin, fragile, as if she was afraid that it may be misconstrued, his kindness sullied.

         Hands gripping the brim of his hat, he said, ‘You don’t recognise me, Jean, do you?’

         ‘No, I can’t say as I do.’ She gave him another travesty of a smile. ‘You appreciate, I entertain many gentlemen. Unfortunately, my memory isn’t as good as it was, you know?’ She lowered her feet to the floorboards and thrust herself out of the chair, which creaked in protest at being abandoned.

         ‘Let me take a good look at you,’ she said, gliding up to him. She still walked with an enchanting serene movement; once, he’d thought of her as poetry in motion.

         He looked down at her and he could see the stirrings of memory reasserting something in her, in the glinting of her eyes.

         Brow wrinkled, she glanced at his hook and then his skewed nose. ‘We make a good pair, don’t we?’ she said.

         ‘Yes, I guess we do.’

         She eyed the small scar on his forehead. Reaching up, she brushed a hand gently through his black hair, lingering on the clump of white hair on the left, just above the scar. At one time her touch would have sent his heart pounding; now he just felt sad. Finally, her gaze lingered on his. There was no mistake. Recognition widened her eyes and moisture formed at the rims. She stepped back a pace, a hand rising to her chest, over her heart. What little colour she had seemed to drain from her face. ‘Corbin? Is it really you?’

         ‘Yes.’

         ‘Oh, my God,’ she whispered, turning away. She crossed over to the bed and sat down, studying her feet and let tears fall to the floor where they darkened the dust and wood. ‘Oh, my God.’ A small fist beat at her right breast, plaintively.

         He moved to sit beside her on the bed but refrained from touching her. ‘It’s been a long time, Jean.’

         She nodded. ‘A lifetime.’

         Having observed the change wrought in her, he could understand how she must feel. He’d last seen her in ’62 – twelve years ago.

         ‘You’ve changed,’ she said, her hands resting in her lap. Turning her head, she studied him, eyes ranging over his broad shoulders and muscular arms and thighs. ‘You’re taller, bigger – quite a man now, Corbin.’ She shook her head. ‘I didn’t know about the hand – well, anything really.’

         He could feel the trembling of her body transmitted through the bed’s mattress. At any other time he might have appreciated the irony, of sitting here on a bed with her; in those far-off days he had coveted her young nubile form, though he hadn’t rightly understood all the emotions that had threshed through his adolescent frame. Now, he understood all too well.

         Gently, he placed his hand on hers. ‘Life changes us. I’ve been through a war – and a lot besides.’

         She gave a wan smile. ‘You don’t want to know what I’ve endured, Corbin. You really don’t.’ She looked away again, the back of her hand wiping the tears from mottled cheeks. ‘Best you just go and leave me be.’

         Corbin shook his head. ‘No, I came to see you. I’m not leaving.’

         She faced him again, her eyes wide with a cynical edge to them, which he found surprisingly distasteful. Her upper lip curled. ‘You want me, is that it?’

         ‘No, Jean. I didn’t turn up here as a customer.’

         ‘Client,’ she corrected.

         ‘Whatever. As it happens, you’re the fourth Jean I’ve tracked down. The others were false trails.’

         ‘Tracked down?’

         ‘Oh, I haven’t made it my business. Sometimes, though, in my travels, I get to hear about a woman called Jean and the description seems to fit yours.’ He eyed her copper-coloured hair and felt impelled to stroke it, as if that motion would brush away the past so they could return to those times of innocence. He raised a hand and gestured vaguely. ‘So I take a detour, just to put my mind at rest. Today, my detour found the real Jean.’

         ‘But why are you looking for me?’ Her eyes shone with a forlorn hope.

         ‘I wanted to be sure that you’re all right. And there are a few things I need to know – things only you can tell me.’

- extracted from Write a Western in 30 Days (pp117-122) Available as an e-book from
Amazon.com here and from Amazon.co.uk here

The $300 Man (hardback) is available from the book depository post free worldwide here

Review. When I started Nik Morton's WRITE A WESTERN IN 30 DAYS, what struck me was that this wasn't just a book of guidelines and tid bits for someone attempting a western, this is a fantastic map to anyone who wants to dive into the world of genre fiction. What Morton lays out are some of the best, common-sense rules for writing that I've ever come across - especially the chapters on plotting and structure. If you're not writing a western, it doesn't matter; what can be found in this book can be applied to any genre novel... Morton lays a solid foundation for a way for writers to follow a path to get their work done in the cleanest, most efficient way possible - and discover their best work besides. Highly recommended. - C. Courtney Joyner, film producer, author of Shotgun.

Writing tips - Changing POV

I’ve just read a book, no title, no author, no pack-drill, where the character point of view switches more than once within the same scene. And it isn’t a book written from the omniscient POV. Established authors can get away with it (Why? Don't their editors care?), but this still grates; and, furthermore, if you're not established, potential editors or agents might notice and award a demerit or two, especially if it persists.

Switching POV pulls the reader out of the story, loses the intimacy of a character, and at its worst can confuse the reader.

[I'm being uncharitable towards many editors, I know. When the editor points out this kind of thing, it's up to the author to correct it; the editor can't impose his or her will, he can suggest. If the author won't budge, then... the POV issue hangs there.]

Here are some thoughts on changing POV.

If you change a character POV in a scene, then create a scene break. I won’t labour the point, but an example can be found on p79 of The $300 Man.

http://goo.gl/E7iG29

 

Corbin too wondered what business Tillman had with Mr Walker.

* * *

Sitting in an upholstered chair opposite Mr Walker who was at his desk, Tillman rested his elbows on the arms and nursed a tumbler of bourbon and branch water. ‘I am perplexed, Mr Walker.’

Thanks to the break, the reader then knows whose head he or she is in – Corbin’s then Tillman’s.

Action

Action scenes can be difficult where there’s a temptation to show how each fighter feels as the blows are exchanged. Resist this. In fact, for each scene, decide whose POV is going to be revealed.

When the scene is first written, I’m not always sure whose POV I’m going to write from, as I’m just writing the interplay, the dialogue and the action. But when I have to layer in the emotion – and possibly thoughts and feelings, such as pain – then I have to decide. Who is most affected in the scene? Then that’s probably whose POV you should use – so go back through that scene and personalize it from that character’s perspective.

Bert laughed and tugged off the woman’s wedding band. She whimpered but said nothing.

         Elijah chuckled. ‘Get another husband, widow. He’ll buy a new ring for you!’

         These distractions were enough. Half rising, Corbin swung his left arm up, the hook sinking into Elijah’s neck. Blood spurted, splashing Corbin’s dark blue flannel shirt and buckskin jacket. Damn, must have hit an artery. Jerking his bloody hook out of the wound, he used it to snag the shotgun out of Elijah’s hands.

         Bert swerved round, levelling his six-gun, his face draining white at sight of his sibling crumpling to the carriage floor.

         Corbin’s right hand grabbed the shotgun. Resting the barrel on the back of the seat, he blasted Bert full in the chest before the bandit could fire off a single bullet.

         The widow shrieked in alarm as Bert fell back onto the floor, ineffectually gripping his revolver. Others cheered. (The $300 Man, pp7/8)

In the above example, there are four characters – Bert and Elijah, the bad guys, the widow and Corbin. It would be easy to get into any or all of their heads – but this must be resisted. This has to be from Corbin Molina’s POV throughout. ‘These distractions were enough’ is Corbin’s thought. I don’t convey it as ‘he thought’ when it’s obvious by the next three words that it’s Corbin’s POV. Then Corbin’s thought – Damn… It’s visual and fast, and we don’t get confused about who’s doing what.

Mixed up action

Action scenes can easily become confusing, especially where the writer is employing ‘he’ but it isn’t always obvious who ‘he’ is. There’s a tendency to jump from one character POV to another. Pay close attention to your action scenes, and make sure you’ve pinned down whose POV you’re writing.
 
Strive to simplify and visualise every time.

- extract from Write a western in 30 Days (pp 64/65)

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http://goo.gl/XQC6cx

Writing tips – It’s all character building

Fiction relies on memorable characters. The reader needs to visualise the character and empathise. Part of character building is in the description.  Naturally, if you’re writing first person narrative, the physical description is going to be conveyed by reflections or other people’s comments; if you’re in the third person POV, even then you can’t easily describe your character, it has to be done by someone else – unless you slyly jump into omniscient POV when the drama permits.

Here’s a character breakdown for the hero of Death at Bethesda Falls.

JAMES DEXTER THORP

DoB: 6 Oct 1839. Jim is 26. He lived in Deadfall, a neighbouring town to Hope Springs, both being small Kansas towns, and went off to war in 1861 when he was 22.  He left behind his girl, Anna Comstock, who lived in Hope Springs.  He wrote to her as often as he could but never got any answers to his letters. 

When he returned after the war (1865), he found that his mother and kid sister had been killed; also, the Comstock parents had died two years earlier and only last year both Anna and her brother Clyde had up and left for somewhere west.  Before she went, Anna had qualified as a schoolteacher. 

He felt rootless but as he is good with a gun and he wanted to find the killers of his ma and sis, he takes up bounty hunting, mainly in the Dakota Territory.  The war hadn’t really prepared him for much else, only hunting and killing.

He smokes stogies (thin cigars) usually affected by gamblers.

Clothing

Dresses entirely in black.  Flat-crowned hat. Silk neckerchief. Linen shirt, broadcloth trousers. Leather boots, no spurs.

Two six-guns, slung low and slantwise and tied down.  A bullwhip is tied to his belt. Carries a Henry repeating rifle.  Also a Bowie knife in its sheath on his belt.

Physical appearance

With a tanned and lined brow, looks older than his young years.  Tall and broad and didn’t carry an ounce of fat. Slate-grey eyes. Livid scar on left temple.  Aquiline nose.  Burnt almond hair. Cleft chin. Broad grin.

Aloof, analytical.  Savvy.

Verbal mannerisms

Deep, husky voice. 
 
When angry, spoke with grave deliberation; tone becoming cool, icy. Eyes narrowing, fix with a level stare; mouth tightened into a stubborn line.
 
You can see that already Thorp is linked to Clyde and Anna with their previous history. Don’t neglect backstory, as no character comes into the world fully formed but is made by his experiences and the people he deals with in life.

Character breakdown list

Try to produce a breakdown for each main character; shorter versions for bit-part players. This can be as little or as much as you like, depending on the length of the work (short story, novella or novel). Every item doesn’t have to be allocated, of course. This also helps for consistency and avoids mistakes! Obviously, career choice or experience will influence behaviour. Some options won’t be appropriate if you’re writing a historical story!

Name – try to avoid using names beginning with the same letter; avoid similar sounding names; be imaginative and don’t always settle for the easy option. Check a directory for names. Dickens was good at this. In Death is Another Life, my American magus is called Spellman – just seemed right! Count Zondadari was the name of a Maltese knight and a triq (or street) was named after him, so I used this name for the vampire…

Age (Date of birth may be relevant, helps keep track, too, if the story covers a long period)

Height

Weight

Body type

Eye colour

Hair colour and style

Distinguishing features

Physical imperfections

Characteristic gestures

Race/ethnic group

Religion

Family background

Schooling

Studies/degree

Skills, abilities and talents

Occupation

Previous jobs

Military or other experience

Short term goals

Long term goals

Quirks/eccentricities

Temperament

Method of handling stress/anger/rage

Admirable traits

Negative traits

Bad habits/vices

Prejudices

Opinions on politics/other current issues

Fears

Hobbies/interests/sports

Favourite pastime

Favourite TV/films

Pets – animals should only be used if they’re going to have relevance to the plot or for character development

Favourite meal

Favourite alcoholic drink

Favourite book

Traumas/psychological scars from the past

Clothing/styles

Pet sayings/verbal mannerisms

Speaking style

Best friend

Past experience that has moulded personality

Home

Car type, colour etc

Character growth/change by the end of story

General character physical description guide

Even for short fiction, it’s useful to apply some of the following to your characters. It will depend on the story and its length as to how much description you can use. This list is by no means exhaustive but gives a taste of variety that can be applied to your characters to make them stand out from each other. Bear in mind family resemblances, though. Ring the changes so there’s no confusion of characters in the visual sense.

Hair: Black, brown, fair, auburn, grey. Turning grey, bald, waved, bobbed, close-cropped, dyed.

Eyes: Blue, brown, hazel, grey, green, squint, monocle, spectacles, blind, left or right eye missing, patch. Open, upper lid dropped, distinctly narrowed, drooping lower lid.

Complexion: Dark, fair, fresh, pale, ruddy, sallow, freckles, pock-marked, moles; warts, scars, beard, moustache.

Mouth: Full lips, thin upper and full lower lip, narrow lips, wide lips, hare lip.

Ears: Small, large, long lobed, short, thick, round; angular flat ears; right or left ear deformed or missing.

Teeth: Healthy, broken, decayed, false, gold-filled, missing.

Nose: Large, small, long, broad, snub, bulbous, pointed, hooked, straight, crooked.

Chin: Slight, heavy, dimpled.

 
Back: Straight, broad, humped, round-shouldered.

Legs: Slim, fat, bandy, right or left limp; right or left leg missing.

Physique: Corpulent, thin, short, tall, strong, weak.

Speech: Slow, rapid, impediment, thin, harsh, dumb.

As a rule, the nose decides ‘looks’; also where the nose is full and round, so are the lips, chin and brow. If the nose is sharp, so are the other features too.

The mouth indicates character while feelings are generally shown most rapidly in the eyes.

Character is also revealed by behaviour, but that’s another post at a later date.

For all writers of genre fiction, character creation is dealt with in Chapter 8 (p87) in Write a Western in 30 Days.

 

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Editing tips - With one mighty leap

Usually, our fictional characters don’t possess super powers. They can’t see through walls, for example.

In this example from one ms, we’re in the POV of the main male character, Jack.

He said, ‘We’d better be going.’
Jane excused herself so she could get dressed. Back in her room she flung open every drawer in the dresser, wondering what brought Jack to their unit. Tops went flying until the floor disappeared under the mass. She reappeared, looking a picture of wide-eyed innocence, in a simple jogging suit.

So not only do Jack's eyes follow Jane through the walls, he gets into her head too. An abrupt and totally unnecessary POV shift. I’ve seen this time and again – and it’s probably the movies that are to blame. The viewer shifts wherever the director decides to go, and rarely settles on a main character viewpoint. Visualise, yes – but make it sensible and realistic.
The offending words were excised at the editing stage, thus:

He said, ‘We’d better be going.’
‘I won’t be long, I’ll just get dressed,’ Jane said and rushed into her bedroom. Minutes later, she reappeared, looking a picture of wide-eyed innocence, in a simple jogging suit.

I replaced the ‘tell’ with Jane’s actual speech. Also, Jack – and the reader – can see her moving to her bedroom now.

Editing tips - Phony

The telephone conversation is another potential pitfall for the unaware writer. It can come across as phony – pun intended, but you probably guessed that.

Here’s an example. Several contemporary mss I receive might replicate this.

Brent listened, unimpressed as Joe tried to bullshit him again with computer jargon. ‘I don’t give a shit about any of that! I want it taken off the net…’ he demanded.

‘What do you mean it’s not that easy?’ Brent incredulously asked. He sighed and Joe started again.

And so on…

This scene is from Brent’s POV. So why doesn’t Brent – and the reader – hear Joe speaking on the other end of the phone?

Writers watch TV and movies and see only one side of a phone conversation (unless the director uses a split screen technique) so they jump in and do the same. The difference is, the story on the screen isn’t from the character’s POV. The viewer isn’t in the character’s head. On the page, the reader’s in the character’s head until such time as the POV changes.

If Joe had a few lines of speech, it would be a little more credible. Brent could have encapsulated the rest in his narrative head. Such as, ‘Hey, Brent, it isn’t that easy,’ Joe whined. Then Brent makes his outburst. Getting Brent to repeat the words the reader doesn’t hear is for the stage, not the book. Instead, Joe should have said those words.

Just a hang up of mine, I guess.

Editing tips - Shifting POV

We’re all told to maintain a consistent character Point of View (POV) within a scene. There's a good reason for this and, for genre fiction, the advice makes sense. The reader is involved with a particular character in his or her head. Jumping from one character’s thoughts into another’s breaks that tenuous link and reduces the reader involvement.

When first writing a scene, it’s possible that you’re not sure whose POV to use. Once it’s down on the page, then decide – usually the person who is affected the most emotionally. If you’re sticking with a single character POV throughout the novel, then there should not be an issue – but make sure no other character’s thoughts creep in!

Here’s a brief excerpt from Broken Silence, a first novel by Danielle Ramsay.

‘In fact he needed to make a call. One he didn’t want Conrad overhearing. He walked over …’
(This paragraph in his POV goes on for nine lines, then it’s followed by a new paragraph.)

‘Conrad studied Brady’s figure from the safety of his car and wondered what was going through his head… He watched as Brady took out his mobile phone, curious about who he was calling.’

Then the narrative switches back to Brady’s POV.

This is lazy writing and editing and unnecessary. All that needed to happen was something like this: ‘Brady glanced over his shoulder. Conrad was watching him. Doubtless wondering who he was calling. He swore under his breath. None of his business!’

Moral: double-check your POV stance.

If that switch is really important – divulging another character’s secrets or inner turmoil, think about making a ‘scene break’. Or convey the other character’s thoughts in dialogue and body and facial responses. Or consider using the character’s thoughts elsewhere, when it’s that character’s longer consistent POV. Usually, though, you can delete these POV switches without much loss to the narrative – and thus maintain a consistent link with the reader.